How to Prepare for a Relationship: An instruction manual.

A semi-satirical look into the advice we cannot ignore.

Step one: Listen to everyone who tells you until you learn to love yourself you can never love anyone else. 

How could they be wrong, I mean, isn’t it obvious? Logically, how could you love anyone if you did not first love yourself? Years of looking in the mirror and disliking what you see will need to be addressed. Years of negative thoughts and negative self-talk, well, that needs to be fixed. Years of putting your body through grueling gym routines and inconsistent eating patterns need to be studied with a microscope. 

 We are taught to treat others with kindness and respect, so our love for other people has never wavered. You never know what someone is going through, of course, so you treat them with consideration. That they are human and life might be hard. Other people have never experienced the bullying you subject yourself to. Don’t say anything if you have nothing nice to say is always a lesson given when addressing other people, never yourself. Sometimes there is nothing nice to say at all about who you are and those thoughts sit there like a tumor infecting your body. 

 Obviously, you could never love anyone until you love yourself. All the lessons learned are applied outward not inward. When have you ever sincerely learned how to love yourself? Why would you know how? 

But yes. Before you can fall in love, before you can love someone else and be loved. Learn how to love yourself in a world where loving yourself is nearly impossible. 

Step two: Get really good at being alone. 

I mean, evidently, that is the only way you can dream of being successful in a relationship. So, settle in because there is no deadline, no timeline for when this alone time ends. Just be perfect at it, even though perfection isn’t real. Go from the couch to the bed to the floor to the table, alone. Eat alone. Dream alone. Watch TV alone. Do everything alone. It takes a village to raise a child, but it only takes yourself to get through life. Because you’re good at being alone. Right? 

 You should never, ever, get tired of yourself. On a list of things you excel at make sure being alone is number one. You can’t be sad when you watch your friends walk hand and hand with their partner, you cannot be sad when others seem to be finding their person, you cannot be sad, because everyone is on a different timeline and that solves everything. Because you know how to be alone. Right? 

You can never be lonely. Or people will say, well, then, you haven’t done it right. Done it right? Learned how to be alone, they will say. If you spent enough time with yourself, you’d love it. How could anything be wrong when you love your own company? You know yourself better than anyone, the intricacies, the flaws and you better get used to spending time with them, too. If you can’t stand them how could anyone else? Because you’re good at being alone. Right?

 

Step Three: Have you tried dating apps?

Never fear, the real life isn’t working out? The answer must be on the apps! You can present the most perfectly curated version of yourself and hope others are doing the same. Ignore the misogyny you see, just swipe left. If you are a straight woman looking for a relationship with a man, make sure to ignore the vaguely sexist comments about women not speaking when sports are on, or that their favorite musical artist is an abuser but it’s fine because they can separate the art from the artist. Also, don’t mention Taylor Swift, god forbid you are just like other girls! Make sure you can cook, cause that’s the way to win them over, and make sure you are not too political because that might turn them off, and also make sure you know how to have a conversation with someone who never once asks you a question. I promise the dating apps will work! 

Don’t forget, those same people who asked if you tried the apps will tell you, “Well, the apps would never work for me.” And remember they have been in a relationship for years and have never spent more than a second living the intoxicating life of swiping through potential partners. But you can’t be bitter and you can’t be sad because you’re good at being alone. Right?

And yet, you will sit there and take it. You will sit there and smile and keep swiping. You will weed through those that do not fit your standards and give some a chance only to be instantly disappointed. You will probably feel ugly and you will probably feel lost. How in a pool of so many people could you still be alone? You will wonder if it’s you (it is). You will wonder if it’s them (it is.) 

You will wonder if it will ever end. 

Step Four: Stop being so picky!

Duh! The reason you are still single is because you’re too picky. Your standards are too high. You expect too much. After all, boys will be boys. Take a good look at the list of things you’d like in a partner and find the ones that can be crossed off. 

Considerate? Too much to ask. Respectful? That has to stay. Communicative? Give up. Emotionally intelligent? Good luck!  

Then, don’t forget to find the things you can change about yourself to make yourself more desirable. Don’t be too stubborn and don’t have loud opinions. Look presentable but don’t be high maintenance. Don’t be too girly but don’t threaten their masculinity. 

But keep going! Surely on the list of things that others have deemed too picky, there must be room for things to go. Remember though, you should never settle for less. The right person will love you for exactly who are. Just…stop being so picky! 

 

Step Five: Disregard everything above. 

Some of those things are important yes. Tiny tidbits in each step that may prove useful. 

You should try to love yourself. But there is no rule on how much love is required. Sometimes, getting up in the morning is all the love you have to give and that’s enough. Sometimes looking in the mirror and not saying anything is enough. Sometimes taking yourself outside to breathe the fresh air is the nicest thing you may do for yourself that week. That is enough. You should accept who you are and sometimes that does not include love. Acceptance is possible without love. Especially in a world where you were never given a manual on how to love yourself. So do your best, but your inability to tell a stranger, of course I love myself!  Does not take away from your ability to love someone else. 

In reality, you excel at loving other people. Your family, your friends, your pets. You know exactly how to love them, exactly what each person in your life needs to feel loved and you do it without a second thought. One day, that love will reach a partner and you will learn how to love them as you have learned how to love others. But no, you do not need to love yourself in order to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved, including you. 

Knowing how to be alone is a great life skill. There is freedom in knowing you are capable. You can go to the movies alone and sit in a coffee shop alone and go out to dinner alone and go to concerts alone and go to shows alone. You can take care of your apartment and the groceries and the cooking and the cleaning. That does not mean that every single day of your loneliness needs to be perfect. That does not mean you cannot be sad that every weekday and every weekend are spent with yourself more than anyone. That does not mean that some days having to do everything isn’t the most exhausting thing in the world. 

But you can. You have. You will continue too. One day (hopefully) you will not have to. You will be able to share the monotonous burdens of life with someone you love and who loves you. When that happens, never forget that you are capable because you have learned how to be alone. Because you like being alone. Because you are good at being alone.  

And even still, you have hope that one day, there will be less alone time. That you will learn how to be good at that, too.  

Trying the apps does not mean you have given up. It means you have made the choice to actively seek something you want. A relationship. That does not make you lesser. That does not make your story any less romantic. In fact, you both chose to be there, to try, to maybe, eventually, fall in love because that was what you wanted. And you went after it. 

In every other facet of life, going after what you want is looked upon with respect. Yet you are supposed to wait for a relationship, to sit back and let life happen. Let fate (if you believe) spin its web. All’s to say, that’s okay too, if you want to let the twisted hands of fate lead the way and focus on other things that are important to you. Do it. Do not believe that trying the apps makes you lesser in any way.  

Try both. Dating is fun and dating is awful whether you meet them in a bar or on an app. It might be perfect and it might be a funny story you tell your friends. The important thing is, if you want something, you’re going after it. Or you're going after something else, like fostering your friendships, or excelling in your career. It’s what you want. It’s what you decide is important at this stage in your life. 

Never lower your standards. Do not settle. You are not picky. You know what you deserve and you will find it. Never settle for anything less.